Babylon Bee

[centerpin fan]

Anybody else as amused by this as I am? One small sample:

HOUSTON, TX—Stating the new product was the result of years of scholarship and intense personal study, popular Bible teacher Joel Osteen on Friday announced the release of his new Joel Osteen Study Bible, a copy of the Scriptures that contains over 30,000 detailed study notes that just say “Believe in yourself.”

http://babylonbee.com/news/new-joel-osteen-study-bible-contains-30000-notes-just-say-believe/


The Rob Bell section is hee-larious:

http://babylonbee.com/?s=rob+bell

 

[j_seph]

There are Preachers, then there are Teachers, then there are "Authors".

1 John 4:1

 

[hobbs27]

I follow the BB on fb. Love it.

This is the last one I shared.

http://babylonbee.com/news/woman-stretching-altar-call-accidentally-accepts-christ/

 

[rjcruiser]

It's hilarious and sad at the same time.

 

[SemperFiDawg]

It's hilarious and sad at the same time.

Pretty sure it's all satire and no truth. Funny though.

 

[centerpin fan]

It's hilarious and sad at the same time.

Case in point:


HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—According to sources close to author and speaker Rob Bell, the ex-pastor has finally denied the last remaining doctrine of the Christian faith he had not already mounted an all-out assault against.

Bell had been scraping the bottom of the barrel of doctrines to disown for months, according to sources, before denying the final one at long last Tuesday morning while waxing his surfboard near the Huntington Beach pier.

“Welp, I guess that about covers ’em. I can’t believe I ran through all of them already. What am I supposed to do with all this free time now?” Bell reportedly said to his surfing buddy right after posting a Tweet denying the resurrection of Christ using his smartphone. “End of an era, that’s for sure.”

“I mean, I’ll have more time for surfing and chillin’ with Oprah, I suppose, so that’s a bonus,” Bell added as he finished strapping his surfboard’s leash onto his ankle.

At publishing time, Bell had confirmed his conversion to Islam, so he’d have a whole new set of beliefs to eventually deny.

 

[SemperFiDawg]

OMG!!!! Where have I been to have missed the Babylon Bee. It's hilarious

My favorite today:
http://babylonbee.com/news/holy-spirit-unable-move-congregation-fog-machine-breaks/

This could literally happen in the Church my sons attend.

 

[centerpin fan]

It's MINE. Don't even bother bidding on it:

U.S.—A new eBay listing confirmed Tuesday that the Apostle Paul’s leather-bound edition of the King James Bible—the only translation he was known to use—is at long last up for auction.

http://babylonbee.com/news/apostle-pauls-king-james-bible-auction/

 

[hobbs27]

It's MINE. Don't even bother bidding on it:

U.S.—A new eBay listing confirmed Tuesday that the Apostle Paul’s leather-bound edition of the King James Bible—the only translation he was known to use—is at long last up for auction.

http://babylonbee.com/news/apostle-pauls-king-james-bible-auction/

Eventually they will get on your toes, no matter who you are. At least they are fair that way.

 

[centerpin fan]

Brutal ...

Rich Young Ruler Finds Home At Lakewood Church

HOUSTON, TX—A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

http://babylonbee.com/news/rich-young-ruler-finds-home-lakewood-church/

 

[SemperFiDawg]

Rich Young Ruler Finds Home At Lakewood Church

HOUSTON, TX—A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

http://babylonbee.com/news/rich-young-ruler-finds-home-lakewood-church/

Made my Friday.

 

[SemperFiDawg]

Better Still

http://babylonbee.com/news/christians-beg-god-not-let-male-rompers-catch-among-worship-leaders/

 

[centerpin fan]

Better Still

http://babylonbee.com/news/christians-beg-god-not-let-male-rompers-catch-among-worship-leaders/

I think you should trade in your overalls for rompers.

 

[Artfuldodger]

I'm begging God to not let the overall wearers convert to rompers!

 

[SemperFiDawg]

I think you should trade in your overalls for rompers.

Man! My wife said, "They kinda look like those overalls you cut off to make shorts." I pointed my finger at her and said, "WOMAN, I hereby divorce thee!"

 

[rjcruiser]

Y'all watch any of John Crist's videos? They're pretty funny as well. Check out his Millenial Missionary.

 

[centerpin fan]

It's been slow in here, so I thought I'd post a personal favorite:

Study: AC/DC’s ‘Highway To ****’ More Theologically Accurate Than 96% Of Modern Worship Songs

http://babylonbee.com/news/study-hi...eologically-accurate-96-modern-worship-songs/

 

[centerpin fan]

Discovery Channel To Feature Deadly Prosperity Gospel Preachers For Shark Week

SILVER SPRING, MD—As part of its annual Shark Week programming, the Discovery Channel announced Sunday evening it would be featuring the world’s most dangerous prosperity gospel preachers in order to raise public awareness of the deadly predators.

The cable science channel will feature a wide array of prosperity preachers throughout the week, including Joel Osteen, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, and Benny Hinn, showcasing their inhuman ability to mangle the Scriptures and devour unsuspecting victims.

“This here is a prime example of the prosperity preacher in his natural habitat,” a commentator said over horrifying Benny Hinn footage in Sunday night’s Shark Week premiere. “See how the cold-blooded predator draws in its prey and then goes for the kill? Utterly horrifying.”

The documentary footage, collected over the past year, also shows moving footage of the millions of third-world believers still living in poverty after giving their life savings to the savage beasts.

“The prosperity gospel preacher in its native environment is one of nature’s most terrifying predators,” a Discovery Channel representative said. “We could just keep featuring sea-dwelling sharks year after year, but honestly they’re pretty boring compared to the ruthlessness of a Copeland or a Dollar ambushing an unsuspecting believer and tearing their bank account to shreds.”

“It sends shivers down my spine,” he added with a shudder.

According to the Discovery Channel, the footage will be preceded by a graphic content warning, as the cable channel states that watching Christians become ensnared by prosperity gospel preachers is not for the faint of heart.

http://babylonbee.com/news/discovery-channel-feature-deadly-prosperity-gospel-preachers-shark-week/

 

[centerpin fan]

Just for hobbs:


Dispensationalists Frantically Adjust End-Times Charts To Include Brexit Vote

WORLD—As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,'” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any of the tables!” he is said to have screamed into the phone. After calming Jeremiah down, Hagee reportedly consulted a series of lunar charts taped across his bedroom walls and surmised that the Brexit decision had actually been accurately predicted by Halley’s Comet in 1986, before proceeding to scribble some corrections on his favorite eschatological timeline in red marker.

“We totally missed it!” Hagee told reporters as he explained his new chart at a Friday afternoon press conference. “It just goes to show when you’re not extremely careful about building your theology around current events and astrological signs, even the experts can make a mistake.”

Hagee further stated that he would have an exhaustive new book covering these developments released within a few months, tentatively titled Brexit: Dispensation of Doom.

http://babylonbee.com/news/dispensationalists-frantically-adjust-charts-include-brexit-vote/

 

[hobbs27]

Just for hobbs:


Dispensationalists Frantically Adjust End-Times Charts To Include Brexit Vote

WORLD—As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,'” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any of the tables!” he is said to have screamed into the phone. After calming Jeremiah down, Hagee reportedly consulted a series of lunar charts taped across his bedroom walls and surmised that the Brexit decision had actually been accurately predicted by Halley’s Comet in 1986, before proceeding to scribble some corrections on his favorite eschatological timeline in red marker.

“We totally missed it!” Hagee told reporters as he explained his new chart at a Friday afternoon press conference. “It just goes to show when you’re not extremely careful about building your theology around current events and astrological signs, even the experts can make a mistake.”

Hagee further stated that he would have an exhaustive new book covering these developments released within a few months, tentatively titled Brexit: Dispensation of Doom.

http://babylonbee.com/news/dispensationalists-frantically-adjust-charts-include-brexit-vote/

I shared that one on my FB page when it first came out.

I shared one that made fun of Joel Osteen and my nephews wife called the man everything but a child of God, and gave the bee kudos.

A couple of days later the bee did a story on Andy Stanley. She didn't like that one, had to explain to me that the BB was just satire... And wanted to make sure I knew she went to Browns Bridge. .. I knew she did when I shared it. .