Fostering or adoption advice - and/or experience?

[Luke0927]

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible but the amount of back story could fill up books, this is also a "heart and brain" dump.

I'll give a TLDR here
Wife and I have 4 kids ourselves. An aunt died who has a 6 year old daughter that will be shifted around between family members (my aunts, maybe my mother) will never have a stable home. We could provide that but, it could be a huge undertaking.


I value a lot of the opinions on this site and thought it would be worth posting this here for others thoughts and if anyone has been through similar.

Pertinent info. My wife and I are both 31 with 4 children of our own, 3 boys and a girl ages. 10,8,5,3 (girl is 3 her and youngest brother will be 6 and 4 soon). I am the sole provider for the family.

My mothers youngest sister passed away a few months ago unexpectedly, she was 42 ish and had 4 children. Two boys 22 and 18, then a daughters 6 and 3.

She passed away from what looks to be substance issues (I have not seen a toxicology, but heart attack, OD who knows and doesn't matter now)

This is one of those stories where as she had everything in the world going for her as a young woman but just made to may wrong choices.

My grandpa and aunts have helped her given her places to live money cars, helped her with the kids etc...

For the kids the oldest both have different dads but were raised to believe they had the same dad for a long time, that person was actually killed in an auto accident a few years back.

The oldest brother pretty much took care of his mother and family since some time as a teenager. He had to leave college a few years back because, I'm sure he felt he had to do it for his younger sisters. I don't believe there was ever any abuse, the mother was a loving mother but just not capable mother due to issues.

The two girls

The father is unknown of the 6 year old. My cousin who was a Marine at the time said my aunt was living with them up in Jacksonville NC up by the base says the dad is some Marine (probably home on leave but if known who he was that probably died with her)

The youngest girl actually has a dad who, my aunt would not let live with them, but from what I've gathered and see now he was trying to provide for them he would bring food, money etc. He seems like a good person and wanted to have a family but due to my Aunt and her issues, she was the problem there. He is actually working on getting guardianship of the youngest daughter and between him and the 22 year old will raise take care of her.


The 6 year old is probably closest to her 22 year old brother, but he can't financially raise her and my oldest Aunt has been staying with him some and has recently been keeping the 6 year old.

The 6 year old has now stayed with us for a couple of days and expressed she did not want to go back to my aunts when we dropped her off the other day.

I guess the first steps are legal guardianship...Thoughts for anyone who has been through or witness something like this.

 

[rjcruiser]

How does your family feel about it? I mean the kids too...I'd want to make sure everyone was onboard with it.

Other than that...prayers for you and your family as you look to do this. It won't be easy...but the opportunity that you could be giving this girl is possibly life changing.

 

[Grub Master]

Looks like this little girl needs a stable home and your family is just the place. You are right, it will be a big undertaking. Adding one more child to the mix will be a lot of work for you and mainly your wife. Sounds like you guys are a good family and I'd bet you would regret it if you didn't take her in. As the previous post said, make sure the rest of her family is on board and won't cause problems.
My Mom took in foster kids and no telling where those kids would be today if she hadn't. Sometimes people are put in your life for a reason and you just have to roll with it.
I have a friend that runs Foster Care Support in Roswell and she would be glad to help with questions. PM me if you would like her number.
Good Luck and have a great weekend.

 

[grizzlyblake]

Is everyone on-board with the girl staying with y'all currently? That's the biggest hurdle. Usually with DFCS it's not a big deal for family to foster/adopt family. I don't believe you even need a home study but check with your county DFCS office.

Why are you seeking guardian rights at the moment? Is there fear of the other family members trying to get the 6 year old out of your house?

I've re-read your post and it comes across like there's no pushback to the girl staying with you. If that's the case it shouldn't be a big deal for DFCS to list you as the current foster family.

In Cherokee County they push family BIG TIME. Even when it's obvious that it's not ideal and an outside foster family would be healthier, the courts here will just about always rule for family to take the child until that family demonstrates they are just so bad the courts pull the children. Part of that is because Cherokee and the surrounding counties are hurting for foster families big time, but part is just court bias and opinion.

Anyway, if you want more info you can always have an acquaintance contact the DFCS office and ask all your questions, especially since they don't know anything about your situation... and therefore can't share your names or info...

 

[1gr8bldr]

My aunt died recently leaving behind her dead beat daughters 4 kid s whom she adopted. 18 through 10 years of age, boys and girls. My aunts and uncles did them more harm than good, thinking they would each raise one. All but one have since given up. Which left scars. The kids were way more than they could handle in regards to trouble. [getting into trouble] So if they are good kids then I would say it's up to you and your family. Make sure you talk to them about it. Because they need to agree or else somewhere down the line they will resent your attention being divided.

 

[Luke0927]

My Aunt said, it would be a blessing if we took her in, basically the family sees us as being the best solution but no one wanted to ask because of the size of our family now. There would be no resistance from anyone for her to come here.

The sad thing is There were 7 brothers and sisters on this side of the family (My mom's brothers and sisters, my youngest aunt being the one that died) and out of them there are a lot of cousin and other aunts but non of them have stable lives. When I actually stepped back and looked at it just makes me shake my head.

Our kids are on board with it, the 3 year old girl is spoiled rotten and will be the biggest challenge but she is young. She has said she would like to live her and stay with us, and is bonding very well with everyone.

We need to talk to the oldest brother of hers he is 22, but say 5 or 6 years down the road if he is married and has a family and say wants her to come live him I need to think about things like that.

Where I'm coming from, is I just feel like we would be casting her out if she did not come here, to end up no telling how. A young girl with no mother or father, that would be shuffled around between family members you can only imagine how a girl would turn out like that.

I just feel like though we are taking away even more time from our kids, and along with that the emotional side of things will you grow to see a child like this as your own etc....

 

[Grub Master]

You'll be setting a good example for your kids (not that you don't already do). They will be better adults having grown upon in a family that helps and gives instead of taking. It won't be easy, but I bet 4 kids probably isn't a piece of cake either.

 

[JustUs4All]

It sounds to me as though you really want to do this. My hat is off to you. That is an awesome responsibility to take on voluntarily.

If you think the older brother might want to take her in later and that she might want to go, I think I would consider guardianship over adoption up front. A guardianship can be changed more easily later. An adoption can happen later and I have never heard of an un-adoption.

 

[Katalee]

YOU are my HERO today. Wish i was in a position to help.god bless you and your family and good luck.