I'm not the most active on the forum but, I've been a contributing member for years. Any advice on how to support your wife when your FIL has early dementia? I find myself either stepping in it (so to speak) or having to bite my tongue. I want to be there to support her but she has blinders on. We dated 6 years and have been married 24 yeara this coming March so there is a long history here.
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Father in law with dementia
- Thread starter 300 Mag
- Start date
Lilly001
Senior Member
Read up on the disease so you can explain to her, with some real knowledge, what is happening and what to expect.
Otherwise support is your most valuable contribution.
I went through it with my father and I was slow to recognize it. I think it would have been easier to deal with had I known what to expect.
Otherwise support is your most valuable contribution.
I went through it with my father and I was slow to recognize it. I think it would have been easier to deal with had I known what to expect.
Liberty
Senior Member
My wife went thru the full illness with her father. Not making lite of it at all, but it was nice when he forgot that he didn't like me. It starts bad and gets unbearable. My only advise is listen a lot and talk very little about the disease to her.
Thank you, a quick glance at the reviews looks good and I've already ordered it.
gobbleinwoods
Keeper of the Magic Word
A large number of GON members have been through this. Has the FIL been to a doctor who would diagnose it and help to make her aware of and how to deal with this disease. Two BILs who had their PCP write a letter to the DMV that they had to pass a driving license test. That was what set in motion the acceptance.
Redbow
Senior Member
Man I feel your pain my Mother had dementia bad a couple of years b4 she died. My Mom became very hostile towards me and my sister and any little thing that we said that she did not like would set her off into a rage. We just dealt with our Mom the best we could until she passed on. I know how hard it is to have patience and understanding with people who have that disease they are certainly not easy to deal with and it probably won't get any better for your FIL and everyone involved with this thing. Good luck to you and yours, may God bless.
GeorgiaGlockMan
Senior Member
I was in the same situation for about 6 or 7 year maybe 5 years ago.
It is a super hard deal specially when your FIL has caused so many issues, family fights and just generally crazy for 30 years.
1. Support and love your wife.
2. Bite your tongue ALOT.
3. Do NOT let your FIL move into your house.
Good luck!
It is a super hard deal specially when your FIL has caused so many issues, family fights and just generally crazy for 30 years.
1. Support and love your wife.
2. Bite your tongue ALOT.
3. Do NOT let your FIL move into your house.
Good luck!
Buford_Dawg
Senior Member
Sorry to hear about your situation, my family went thru the same thing with FIL and Dementia, He lived about 8 years with it and in the last 3 years had no idea of who anyone one. Thankfully he never got in the fighting mode as I understand many do. He basically sat in a recliner or bed 24 hours a day doing nothing for 3 years not knowing any of us. Very sad... In the last year of it, we had to get professional help to deal with it, so health personal visiting 8 hours a day to assist my MIL and my wife and her sister. It is a terrible disease.
I went through it in reverse with my mom earlier this year. My wife couldn't do anything to fix it, but she was there supporting me, physically helping me deal with mom, visiting with her, doing things for her, and generally just lending me a shoulder and an ear. It helped a lot.
SC Hunter
Senior Member
I've got a close family friend who taught me how to run a business, train dogs, taught me how to become a young man growing up, taught me how to trap etc that is going through the same thing right now. He named me his power of attorney 4 years ago since he has no family other than a few nieces and nephews that just come around sporadically. He got lost about 3 weeks ago and drove all over hades creation until he finally decided to pull over and rest. GSP found him after a BOLO was issued and we got him to the hospital and then transferred to a nursing home. It's gotten drastically worse very quickly. As in over 2 months time he went from rewiring AC units, working on his truck, doing whatever needed done at 89 years old to not knowing where he was, who some people were, what he was doing. He told me he was losing his mind and he was sorry and needed to get ready to go somewhere besides living by himself. It's a devastating disease, both maternal grandparents lived with it for a while, and it's just as hard or harder on the ones that are watching it happen. Read up on the disease, have a doctor or doctors talk with your wife and continue to be there for her and support her. Like said earlier do not let him move in with you as it won't help but will make it worse on everybody else.
Him still driving is one of my biggest fears and where I have to bite my tongue the most. He is old school and refuses to let my MIL drive when they're together and he is starting to occasionally get lost when by himself. It's a battle the family isn't ready to fight.
campboy
Senior Member
Sleeping in bed or sitting in his recliner is all my dad does. (He has Alzheimer’s) That’s tough because Dad was never like that. Always working on cars, taking care of the yard and the house, and going fishing with me. What could come next as it progresses?
greg_n_clayton
Senior Member
oldfella1962
Senior Member
"It's a battle the family isn't ready to fight." - 300 Mag
And that is the worst part about dementia - it affects entire families in ways other medical problems might not.
My FIL passed away a few years ago from Alzheimer's, and my stepdad developed some form of dementia a few years ago and is (was? RIP?) in a state mental hospital in Idaho as we speak.
One of the saddest things I ever saw was when my wife saw her father for the first time in a couple of years (they lived in Arizona) and her father didn't recognize her or remember her at all. We heard stories about his decline from my MIL over the phone, but nothing can prepare you for seeing it up close & personal.
All I can say is support your wife as much as possible. It will be an emotional roller coaster for her, and she will need somebody rock-solid & stable - a "voice of reason" so to speak.
My FIL didn't have too many personality changes, but my stepdad did, and it resulted in him going to jail, then the state hospital. Our personalities originate in our physical brains, and as the brain changes so does our personality. That might be the hardest thing for your wife to see, so try to be patient and remind her that it's not his fault when he's "not himself" because he is indeed not himself anymore.
And try to figure out a way to keep him off the road. No sense adding to the tragedy with even more tragedy! Bottom line stay grounded emotionally as much as possible so you can make the best decisions and provide the best comfort for your wife - she will have her hands full and doesn't need any extra drama.
And that is the worst part about dementia - it affects entire families in ways other medical problems might not.
My FIL passed away a few years ago from Alzheimer's, and my stepdad developed some form of dementia a few years ago and is (was? RIP?) in a state mental hospital in Idaho as we speak.One of the saddest things I ever saw was when my wife saw her father for the first time in a couple of years (they lived in Arizona) and her father didn't recognize her or remember her at all.
We heard stories about his decline from my MIL over the phone, but nothing can prepare you for seeing it up close & personal.All I can say is support your wife as much as possible. It will be an emotional roller coaster for her, and she will need somebody rock-solid & stable - a "voice of reason" so to speak.
My FIL didn't have too many personality changes, but my stepdad did, and it resulted in him going to jail, then the state hospital. Our personalities originate in our physical brains, and as the brain changes so does our personality. That might be the hardest thing for your wife to see, so try to be patient and remind her that it's not his fault when he's "not himself" because he is indeed not himself anymore.
And try to figure out a way to keep him off the road. No sense adding to the tragedy with even more tragedy! Bottom line stay grounded emotionally as much as possible so you can make the best decisions and provide the best comfort for your wife - she will have her hands full and doesn't need any extra drama.
oldfella1962
Senior Member
It's different for every victim of dementia. Dementia of course is the big umbrella under which Alzheimer's falls, but it's all kind of the same - severe mental decline. Your dad is about at the stage when I last saw my stepdad. But having irregular sleeping patterns, sudden emotional responses (crying for example) for no apparent reason, paranoia, and making sudden decisions not based in reality or common sense might be coming up soon. Then again, every dementia case is different. My FIL didn't have too many personality changes with his Alzheimer's, but his cognitive abilities declined about like this over a five-year period:
1) getting lost occasionally while riding his bicycle in his own neighborhood where he lived for many years
2) forgetting how to pump his gas at the Circle-K
3) becoming less animated and interested in things in general - probably because it was awkward engaging in conversations because he would lose his "train of thought" constantly
4) forgetting people's names occasionally then constantly forgetting
5) forgetting his own wife's name and calling her "Miss" as if she was a waitress or something
6) losing control of bladder & bowels more frequently
7) forgetting where his own bathroom was when he literally sat ten feet from it while staring at the TV - which wasn't even turned on sometimes
8) forgetting how to tell time
9) forgetting what a clock was even for - why the numbers & hands were
even on a clock
10) not recognizing who anybody was
This is what I consider the very worst part of dementia: nobody wants to see their parents go out like this.
My stepdad was my hero! The awesome guy that I could only WISH I could be. As for my wife, her dad was her hero too. That's the Catch-22: the more you love & admire your parents, the harder it is to watch their decline. To watch them be punished for something they could not prevent no matter how hard they tried.
campboy
Senior Member
I wish the best for you and your family sir
DCHunter
Senior Member
My father passed last March from it. Fortunately, he was also my next door neighbor so taking caring of him until hospice began helping was much easier. I feel like my brother and sister had blinders on about the early stages too, which left it to me to take care of alot of things. The quicker she accepts it, the better. It's going to be tough, that's all I can say. I still wake up from nightmares about it to this day. You and your wife will be in my prayers.
DCHunter
Senior Member
and I should add... You'll get through it, didn't mean to be all doom and gloom.
Toliver
Senior Member
My career prepared me for the worst that dementia can do to someone. To tell people what happens in the latter stages almost seems like you're trying to scare them but in reality you're just trying to prepare them so they aren't caught completely off guard. To know what's happening, understand it, accept it and know how to handle it better is just so much better than denying it and then having to face it when it becomes indeniable. It's not just the inconvenience of memory loss. They can become very violent because they don't recognize loved ones and will treat them like threats as if a stranger were entering the house. I can't stress enough how important it is to be educated on signs and symptoms and start coping with it from the start.
