FESTUSHAGGIN
Senior Member
i got this in an email. pretty funny and very true. Enjoy
Below is a humor column article which has been passed around, and added to and ammended by many of my friends over the years. I just thought yall might like to read it for yourselves.
If it speaks the truth, can I get an Amen!!??
"A Guide to Atlanta, Georgia"
This is for anyone who lives in or near Atlanta, anyone who has ever lived in
Atlanta in the past, anyone who may live there in the future, or anyone
interested in the trials which Atlantans deal with on a daily basis.
Atlanta is composed almost entirely of one-way streets, all of which are named
"Peachtree (something)," and change names at least once before reaching their
terminus or the city limits. The only reliable way to find one's way out of
downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over once you reach Greenville,
South Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree.." and include the phrase, "When
you see the Waffle House.." (except in Cobb County, where all directions begin
with, "Go to the Big Chicken")
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for
directions, they will always send you down "Peachtree".
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused
with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
The City Planners of Atlanta have intentionally made it physically impossible
to drive around one block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber
of Commerce calls this concept a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that
effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost. they're just on a "scenic
drive".
Outside of the Perimeter, "Sir" and "Ma'am" become common use in casual
conversation if there's a remote possibility that the person being addressed is
30 minutes older than the person speaking.
Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronouned by a native, so do not attempt the
traditional Spanish pronunciation. Natives will simply tilt their heads to the
right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronounciation is "pahnss duh LEE-on" or
simply "Ponce".)
And yes, we have a street named simply, "Boulevard."
If you notice that all the drivers on the road with you seem to immediately
forget all traffic rules, this is likely the result of a single drop of rain
falling. Similar effects have been known to occur with daylight savings time, a
girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it
becomes the lead news story on all the channels, and as a news flash every 15
minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread,
bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and
in the rare case of actual snowfall, people will be on the corner selling "I
survived the blizzard" T-shirts.
It is always a Smog Alert Day.
Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of
Old Faithful erupts.
Construction crews aren't doing their job properly, and likely don't get paid
for the day unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
The typical 8am rush hour is from 6:30am - 10:30am. The 5pm rush hour extends
from 3:30pm to 7:30pm. Friday's rush hour begins on Thursday morning and lasts
through 2:00am Saturday.
So-called "reversible lanes" are a concept seemingly not understood by anyone
in the state, especially those who live in the city limits of Atlanta. Stay out
of them unless you're looking for a head-on collision.
Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds
throughout the city and on the Interstates, and, weekend or weekday, it's
always race day.
Interstate 285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of
55 MPH (but you have to maintain the mandatory 80 MPH just to keep from getting
run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Georgia 400 is the southern U.S. equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely
see an 18-wheeler on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by
the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing from home after a grueling day at
the salon or ALTA match to meet their children at the school bus coming home
from their college-prep preschool.
Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and
"West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction
by referring to the "Inner
Loop" and the "Outer Loop."
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120 -
Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses,
etc. are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies at all,
you will die.
Atlantans, moreso than the residents of most other metropolitan areas, do not
believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal a turn at a stop
light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never. Ever.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates
and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your
car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.
Atlanta is home of the international Coca-Cola Bottling Company. That's all we
drink here, so don't even bother to ask for any other brand of soft drink,
unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then, it's still called "Coke".
Gate 1 at the Atlanta airport is roughly 32 miles from the Main Concourse, so
wear sneakers and pack a lunch if you plan to fly into or out of Hartsfield.
Also of note is the fact that the doors on the trains in the airport, unlike
those of an elevator, do _not_ reopen if you stick your hand or other body part
between them as they close. And they hurt.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no
one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine trying to
wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you
are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import,"
like the carp, starling, English sparrow, and other "exotic wonders."
It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'mfixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2
years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from Atlanta,
Georgia and those who just wish they were.
Lawdy, I love Jawja.
Below is a humor column article which has been passed around, and added to and ammended by many of my friends over the years. I just thought yall might like to read it for yourselves.
If it speaks the truth, can I get an Amen!!??
"A Guide to Atlanta, Georgia"
This is for anyone who lives in or near Atlanta, anyone who has ever lived in
Atlanta in the past, anyone who may live there in the future, or anyone
interested in the trials which Atlantans deal with on a daily basis.
Atlanta is composed almost entirely of one-way streets, all of which are named
"Peachtree (something)," and change names at least once before reaching their
terminus or the city limits. The only reliable way to find one's way out of
downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over once you reach Greenville,
South Carolina.
All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree.." and include the phrase, "When
you see the Waffle House.." (except in Cobb County, where all directions begin
with, "Go to the Big Chicken")
Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for
directions, they will always send you down "Peachtree".
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused
with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard
The City Planners of Atlanta have intentionally made it physically impossible
to drive around one block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber
of Commerce calls this concept a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that
effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost. they're just on a "scenic
drive".
Outside of the Perimeter, "Sir" and "Ma'am" become common use in casual
conversation if there's a remote possibility that the person being addressed is
30 minutes older than the person speaking.
Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronouned by a native, so do not attempt the
traditional Spanish pronunciation. Natives will simply tilt their heads to the
right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronounciation is "pahnss duh LEE-on" or
simply "Ponce".)
And yes, we have a street named simply, "Boulevard."
If you notice that all the drivers on the road with you seem to immediately
forget all traffic rules, this is likely the result of a single drop of rain
falling. Similar effects have been known to occur with daylight savings time, a
girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it
becomes the lead news story on all the channels, and as a news flash every 15
minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread,
bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and
in the rare case of actual snowfall, people will be on the corner selling "I
survived the blizzard" T-shirts.
It is always a Smog Alert Day.
Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of
Old Faithful erupts.
Construction crews aren't doing their job properly, and likely don't get paid
for the day unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
The typical 8am rush hour is from 6:30am - 10:30am. The 5pm rush hour extends
from 3:30pm to 7:30pm. Friday's rush hour begins on Thursday morning and lasts
through 2:00am Saturday.
So-called "reversible lanes" are a concept seemingly not understood by anyone
in the state, especially those who live in the city limits of Atlanta. Stay out
of them unless you're looking for a head-on collision.
Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds
throughout the city and on the Interstates, and, weekend or weekday, it's
always race day.
Interstate 285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of
55 MPH (but you have to maintain the mandatory 80 MPH just to keep from getting
run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."
Georgia 400 is the southern U.S. equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely
see an 18-wheeler on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by
the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing from home after a grueling day at
the salon or ALTA match to meet their children at the school bus coming home
from their college-prep preschool.
Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and
"West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction
by referring to the "Inner
Loop" and the "Outer Loop."
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.
The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120 -
Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses,
etc. are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies at all,
you will die.
Atlantans, moreso than the residents of most other metropolitan areas, do not
believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal a turn at a stop
light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never. Ever.
Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates
and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.
The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your
car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.
Atlanta is home of the international Coca-Cola Bottling Company. That's all we
drink here, so don't even bother to ask for any other brand of soft drink,
unless it's made by Coca-Cola. And even then, it's still called "Coke".
Gate 1 at the Atlanta airport is roughly 32 miles from the Main Concourse, so
wear sneakers and pack a lunch if you plan to fly into or out of Hartsfield.
Also of note is the fact that the doors on the trains in the airport, unlike
those of an elevator, do _not_ reopen if you stick your hand or other body part
between them as they close. And they hurt.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no
one has seen before.
If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine trying to
wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you
are completely captured and covered with Kudzu, another ill-advised "import,"
like the carp, starling, English sparrow, and other "exotic wonders."
It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'mfixinto go to the store).
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2
years old.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from Atlanta,
Georgia and those who just wish they were.
Lawdy, I love Jawja.
