Need some parenting/coaching/sports advice...

[ssramage]

Guys,

I could use some Dad advice. In the grand scheme of things, this is really a non-issue and I'm 100% making it more than it is. I realize that, but a sounding board other than my wife is needed...

A little background: I have 3 kids. A son that's 9, a son that's 5, and a daughter that's 4. My oldest son is an awesome kid. Polite, humble, smart, loves the outdoors, and loves Jesus. He loves sports, especially baseball and football.

Here's my problem... as much as he likes sports, he's very timid and just isn't physical enough. As much as he loves the games, he's finding it very hard to be competitive in his age group and becomes frustrated. I can recognize it as a mental obstacle and a lack of confidence that's preventing the switch from flipping to physicality. We also live in an age of coaches wanting everyone to be a winner and tough coaching doesn't exist anymore. Unfortunately, that problem is worse where we live.

I'm walking a fine line of trying not to be "that parent" and also trying to introduce and coach some physicality into a young man. I didn't have this problem as a kid and am struggling with how to encourage it without going too far. At the end of the day, it may just not be for him, but he'll have to decide that.

Any advice?

 

[sinclair1]

No father here so I can’t help there.
I am involved in corporate personality traits testing at work. These test are super accurate and nailed me exactly.
Its near impossible to make an aggressive person out of a passive. They may act one way but it’s not them and they will revert to be who they are or suffer being someone they are not.

 

[WOODIE13]

Get him into a wrestling program, it will teach him, worked for my sons and a lot of other kids.
More focus on yourself to win but you still have a team

 

[Hickory Nut]

You need to be patient with him until the testosterone kicks in. He’s still young.

 

[ssramage]

Get him into a wrestling program, it will teach him, worked for my sons and a lot of other kids.
More focus on yourself to win but you still have a team

He absolutely loves wrestling. My wife taught a kid that just graduated from HS and was a state champ. He took my son under his wing and he'd go to wrestling matches all over the state with them. This is good advice and I think he'd enjoy that.

 

[sinclair1]

You need to be patient with him until the testosterone kicks in. He’s still young.

This is possible for sure. I just realized he was 9. It’s claimed we are who we will become at 11-13. I changed my whole life, but my traits are the same as back in my wrestling days.

 

[Sargent]

If you can tell that he's aware of it, ask him if he's doing as well as he wants. Whether he says yes or not, do this-- Give him small goals to attain. Nothing grandiose... no "go out there and hit a homer" but small, consistent goals... like "make it a challenge to yourself to run to first 1/2 second faster".... something small and attainable over a short time with practice.

Also- help him see sports for what it is- teaching him how to learn a new skill and use it in a team environment. Point out examples of how doing his absolute personal best and challenging himself will pay dividends on and off the field... emphasize the off the field stuff.

I am not an athlete. I sucked at sports. However, challenging myself within the structure of a team environment helped me in school and in the workplace later in life.

Doing his absolute best, regardless of his skill level is far more important than being an all-star.

The "coaches" who put too much emphasis on being an all star usually are trying to overcome some shortcoming and have an IQ less than 80.

 

[WOODIE13]

He absolutely loves wrestling. My wife taught a kid that just graduated from HS and was a state champ. He took my son under his wing and he'd go to wrestling matches all over the state with them. This is good advice and I think he'd enjoy that.

Good luck

 

[sinclair1]

If you can tell that he's aware of it, ask him if he's doing as well as he wants. Whether he says yes or not, do this-- Give him small goals to attain. Nothing grandiose... no "go out there and hit a homer" but small, consistent goals... like "make it a challenge to yourself to run to first 1/2 second faster".... something small and attainable over a short time with practice.

Also- help him see sports for what it is- teaching him how to learn a new skill and use it in a team environment. Point out examples of how doing his absolute personal best and challenging himself will pay dividends on and off the field... emphasize the off the field stuff.

I am not an athlete. I sucked at sports. However, challenging myself within the structure of a team environment helped me in school and in the workplace later in life.

Doing his absolute best, regardless of his skill level is far more important than being an all-star.

The "coaches" who put too much emphasis on being an all star usually are trying to overcome some shortcoming and have an IQ less than 80.

I won’t post anymore since I have no parental skills. I will say that we teach employees how to navigate with their strengths and every team needs all four types of people. It sounds like Sargent could probably teach the course.

 

[GeorgiaBob]

This is nothing more than my totally unprofessional advice. Note that it comes from an old man who is NOT much connected with what young folks are doing these days. Even my grandkids struggle not to laugh at what I don't know about their (under 15) generation.

I suggest that you take some time off and get away somewhere with your son. Find something that holds some interest for him and that you are competent doing. Do you run? or hike? Maybe rock climbing or archery? Can you track deer? Whatever challenging physical activity you can do well (adequate at least) that he also seems to enjoy. Maybe more than one thing, but do it with him. Make a big deal out of it. Work together to build his confidence as well as his capabilities.

For my son - at 5 years old - he wanted to play soccer because a cousin three years older played. My son was terrible. He lost his concentration quickly. He missed the ball half the time he tried to kick it and if he did make contact, the ball never went where he wanted it to go. I had never played soccer in my life - at that time - but I learned (actually took lessons in soccer) and I used what skills I did learn from football and rugby to work with my son. I also convinced his coach to sub my boy in for short stints and to spend more time in drills for all the team.

The next year I somehow ended up the very reluctant coach of an under 8 soccer team made up entirely of fumbling 6 year olds, including my son. The most skilled players on the team were the only three girls (allowed to play in "boys" under 8 only because there was no girls under 8 team in the area). I want to say that my coaching skill helped make those kids into champs. I want to say that, but it isn't true. They did become champs, I was just there to cheer them on.

My son never did learn to move and dribble a soccer ball well. He did learn to be a team player and to use what talent he had. Other than helping him learn basics and staying with him while he learned, I didn't make him into a good soccer player. I was there to encourage him when he did it himself.

My son actually did become a pretty good goalie. As an under 10 goalie he had an entire season with not one goal scored against him. (I wasn't his coach that year) What he learned about punting and kicking served him well in high school as he made all district and honorable mention all state as his football team's kicker.

My suggestion (with too wordy an example) is that you find a "common" interest where you can help him be better and do it with him. Be, for a while, more mentor than dad and let him find his way to confidence. It is confidence that will make the difference. It doesn't matter what he gains confidence doing - confidence is a transferable quality. Just help him find something he can do and can learn to do better!

Good Luck!

 

[Keebs]

As a recreational staff member, please, please, please don't become "that" parent!! I am having to deal with one that is flat out harassing my cheer coach! Good advice on here and also give positive encouragement........... my grandson plays in our program and his Mom and I both try to help him with his baseball playing.......... soccer, not so much, but I do get him to do agility training every chance we can. Good Luck!!

 

[menhadenman]

Man I got something similar. My middle boy has all the talent but little aggressiveness/lots of empathy. Wrestling helped a lot but in the end, some kids just aren’t mean (he didn’t get that from momma ?).

Good luck, getting in reps is a great place to be in my opinion.

 

[Ruger#3]

He absolutely loves wrestling. My wife taught a kid that just graduated from HS and was a state champ. He took my son under his wing and he'd go to wrestling matches all over the state with them. This is good advice and I think he'd enjoy that.

I was the kid not big enough for football or fast enough for baseball or track. I found wrestling and it helped build confidence. watching the Friday Night Lights boys struggling at our work outs was a confidence builder. No champion here but really enjoyed it through school.

 

[Keebs]

Karate is another confidence building activity, helped my daughter for sure!

 

[Spotlite]

My son didn’t want to be aggressive in football because the coach wasn’t pushing it hard.

We did that challenge at home. I reminded him the coach will teach you the rules and call the plays, you determine how much drive you put in it. Here’s how you do it.

He saw he can do it. It worked for him.

 

[ssramage]

This is nothing more than my totally unprofessional advice. Note that it comes from an old man who is NOT much connected with what young folks are doing these days. Even my grandkids struggle not to laugh at what I don't know about their (under 15) generation.

I suggest that you take some time off and get away somewhere with your son. Find something that holds some interest for him and that you are competent doing. Do you run? or hike? Maybe rock climbing or archery? Can you track deer? Whatever challenging physical activity you can do well (adequate at least) that he also seems to enjoy. Maybe more than one thing, but do it with him. Make a big deal out of it. Work together to build his confidence as well as his capabilities.

For my son - at 5 years old - he wanted to play soccer because a cousin three years older played. My son was terrible. He lost his concentration quickly. He missed the ball half the time he tried to kick it and if he did make contact, the ball never went where he wanted it to go. I had never played soccer in my life - at that time - but I learned (actually took lessons in soccer) and I used what skills I did learn from football and rugby to work with my son. I also convinced his coach to sub my boy in for short stints and to spend more time in drills for all the team.

The next year I somehow ended up the very reluctant coach of an under 8 soccer team made up entirely of fumbling 6 year olds, including my son. The most skilled players on the team were the only three girls (allowed to play in "boys" under 8 only because there was no girls under 8 team in the area). I want to say that my coaching skill helped make those kids into champs. I want to say that, but it isn't true. They did become champs, I was just there to cheer them on.

My son never did learn to move and dribble a soccer ball well. He did learn to be a team player and to use what talent he had. Other than helping him learn basics and staying with him while he learned, I didn't make him into a good soccer player. I was there to encourage him when he did it himself.

My son actually did become a pretty good goalie. As an under 10 goalie he had an entire season with not one goal scored against him. (I wasn't his coach that year) What he learned about punting and kicking served him well in high school as he made all district and honorable mention all state as his football team's kicker.

My suggestion (with too wordy an example) is that you find a "common" interest where you can help him be better and do it with him. Be, for a while, more mentor than dad and let him find his way to confidence. It is confidence that will make the difference. It doesn't matter what he gains confidence doing - confidence is a transferable quality. Just help him find something he can do and can learn to do better!

Good Luck!

Great all around discussion guys, THANK YOU!

I wanted to respond to this though because I think it hits on a lot of points that I've been thinking through.

First, he's an avid outdoorsman. At 9 years old, he's experienced more in the outdoors than most kids. He's absolutely ate up with hunting and fishing, confidence through the roof. BUT, we built into that. He started going everywhere with me at 3 years old and learned through seeing and doing. Among his peers, he's the "expert" in this space. I have moms/dads of kids in his class asking me to let their boys tag along with mine so that they can learn from him.

Where I have frustrations with his athletics is that same desire to be proficient is there, but the foundations are not. At least in our area, most coaches are not spending sufficient time on the fundamentals for kids to become proficient enough to build confidence. There is not skills training and everything is meant to be "fun" so that it keeps their attention. This baseball/football season has been most of these kids first tests and they're getting the snot beat out of them. I'm watching countless kids get demoralized and become timid because they've never been exposed to the basis. One of my biggest regrets in this space is not maintaining as his coach all throughout, but with 3 kids I had to split my time. I coached him through T-ball and then had to split off. We're putting in off-season work to hopefully pump that confidence back up. Sounds like a lot of guys here are keying in on that being the driving factor also.

Thanks for the reply!

 

[madsam]

Encourage him to do his best not what you think is his best and spend one
on one time with him. Back off alittle and it will fall into place. Let him be 9.

 

[Railroader]

It's been mentioned, but wrestling is a good idea and martial arts training is one of the best confidence builders there is...

 

[Sargent]

I won’t post anymore since I have no parental skills. I will say that we teach employees how to navigate with their strengths and every team needs all four types of people. It sounds like Sargent could probably teach the course.

Thanks for the compliment, but I can barely teach a fish to swim!

 

[kingfish]

I was a 20 plus year Taekwondo practitioner. I second all the other suggestions to get him involved in some type of martial arts. Have a buddy who has a son, same situation. Started him off when he was a little younger than your son and he just won a national grappling tournament for his age group. Still a very humble and meek kid, but a monster on the mat.