MCBUCK
Senior Member
cause it's funny...at least the Dogs didn't wind up as a cheap beer.
In the SEC, there are a few schools that dominate every year, like LSU and Alabama, the new kids on the block (we’re looking at you, Mizzou), and the teams that love to disappoint, like Kentucky and UGA. Imagine if each of these schools were a drink. Is your team your go-to drink you order at the bar, or is it the fruity drink you have to embarrassingly order for your girlfriend?
This list is in no particular order.
1. The University of Alabama: Natural Light
Alabama is easily one of (if not the) most overrated teams in the country. ESPN cannot stop talking about Nick Saban and the Tide even though they haven't played an exciting game yet. If this team were a drink, it would be a Natural Light. You see it everywhere you go, all of your redneck neighbors love it, and no matter how established the event is, some fool in a camouflage hat is going to whip one out.
2. LSU: Blue Mothertrucker
Venturing down to Baton Rouge for a Tigers game is a journey that you can never quite recover from. The erupting noise from the stadium and the overwhelming scent of corn dogs hit you like a brick wall that you never saw coming. LSU is through and through a Blue Mothertrucker. It’s got every kind of liquor that’s good by itself, but mix them all together and you’ve got a deadly drink. Playing against LSU is like that. You never know what you’re going to get, and if they catch you on an empty stomach, they’re going to turn your world upside down. Literally.
3. Tennessee: Keystone Light
Good Ole Rocky Top. Tennessee is currently trying to make a comeback, but they’ll always be 50 shades of ugly orange. It’s going to be awhile before they can earn their respect back in this conference, and until they can at least beat Ole Miss, no one is going to take them seriously. So, for now, they’ll be a Keystone Light. This is the kind of beer you wonder if people actually buy. If they do, they probably just keep it in a Styrofoam cooler because there’s no improving the horrible taste.
4. Kentucky: Evan Green and Coke
The University of Kentucky is an amateur when it comes to college football. They had an exciting game against Florida that went into triple overtime, but other than that, they are “bleeding blue” because of the beating they take from other SEC teams. If they were a drink, they would be an Evan Williams (the green kind) and coke. This is the drink you downed when you were a freshman because you didn’t know any better and couldn’t afford anything else. When Kentucky isn’t the butt of all SEC football jokes, they can upgrade from the joke of all drinks. For now, though, this is where they sit.
5. Arkansas: Cosmopolitan
Woo Pig Sooie. What does that even mean? Arkansas is another one of those mediocre teams that is given too much credit at the beginning of the season and then gets shut down during their first conference game. Much like a Cosmo, they’re weak, predictable, and only talked about on TV.
6. Florida: Kamikaze
Jorts. Engineering. Tim Tebow. These are all things that come to mind when thinking of the University of Florida. However, if you think of them in a more recent context, the words “horrible,” “horrendous,” or “embarrassing” probably come to mind. These three words are similar to the three stages that occur after you take a Kamikaze shot. At first it tastes horrible, then you act horrendously somewhere after taking the shot and making it home. Last, you watch the videos of you and your friends at Little Italy and you’re embarrassed. Poor Will Muschamp. He probably feels similarly after all of his most recent games.
7. UGA: Jack and Coke
The University of Georgia may be in the Classic City, but its football program is notorious for one thing: disappointing its fan base. Year after year, Georgia is ranked in the Top 10 at the beginning of the season, but by week 4 or 5, they drop significantly because Mark Richt can’t hold it together. They’re a perfect Jack and Coke because you always think it’s going to be different, you’re always expecting it to be better, but in the end, it tastes the same year after year. You become numb to the side effects.
8. South Carolina: Margarita
South Carolina has been a bit of a wild card in the first few weeks of the season. Texas A&M ran all over them, but then they turned around and put Todd Gurley and his Dawgs in their place. Margaritas are kind of that way too. Some Fridays you order a large and want your money back. Other Fridays you get a large and wonder where your wallet is. It’s all about where you go, who’s with you, and how nice you are to your waiter. South Carolina will remain a top team in the SEC because of the exciting games they pull out of nowhere. And hey, I guess you could say tequila makes Spurrier’s hat come off.
9. Vanderbilt: Dirty Martini
Poor Vanderbilt. Trying to decide who is worse between them and Kentucky is like asking yourself, “Burger King or McDonalds?” They both totally suck. At least Vanderbilt has given it every effort. They hired a new coach a few seasons ago and used all three of their quarterbacks in the first game. For that reason, Vanderbilt is a Dirty Martini. You hear people talk about it, know your grandmother loves them, expect them to be good, but in the end, what the CensoredCensoredCensoredCensored is it even doing here? Go back to being the most intelligent of the SEC, Vandy, and leave the football to the bigger guys.
10. Auburn: Mimosa
Auburn has done a complete 180 since 2012. They won an SEC Championship and went all the way to Pasadena. They’re hoping to go to make an appearance in the College Football Playoff, but they haven’t played a decent enough team to prove themselves. Auburn is a Mimosa because it’s classic and mother-approved. However, just like Auburn’s unreliable defense, the taste of orange juice and cheap champagne gets irritating after a while. You keep coming back to it, though, because it makes your Saturday mornings happier and won’t stain your sweater-vest.
11. Mizzou: Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri
Mizzou is the red-headed stepchild of the SEC. Everyone is still wondering how the heck they got in, and even though they showed promise at first, they’ve become another forgotten team, like Arkansas. Mizzou is the 15-year-old boy you meet on the beach while on vacation with your parents. He looks much more mature than he is and says all the right things, but in the end, he’s just an amateur because he can’t even buy you a real drink at the bar. Mizzou isn’t an alcoholic beverage because they’re not even in the same league.
12. Texas A&M: Bloody Mary
Texas A&M, like Mizzou, is new to the SEC, but unlike Mizzou, they get a lot more credit because of some quarterback they had… People thought Texas A&M’s hot streak was over once Johnny Football went to the NFL, but Kenny Hill proved everyone that two cocky quarterbacks can actually come from the same school. Texas A&M is a Bloody Mary because it’s the drink you swore tasted horrible until you gave it a chance. Once it proved itself amongst your taste buds, your Sunday mornings have never been the same.
13. Ole Miss: Gin and Tonic
Ole Miss is a classic SEC school. They’ve been around for decades and have a number of decent seasons under their belt. Their traditions and years of history behind them earn them respect in the conference, but in reality, none of the other schools really take them seriously. Just like Ole Miss, a gin and tonic is a classic drink you order at the bar to impress your new girlfriend’s parents, but her dad still doesn’t take you seriously because you’re not drinking straight scotch.
14. Mississippi State: Bud Light
When I think of Mississippi State, one word in particular comes to mind: bubba. I’m not sure why, but I can’t help but picture a bunch of overweight, middle-aged men sitting on their couch cheering on this mediocre football team guzzling some Bud Lights. Don’t forget about their cowbells either. They’re ringing those things until the sun comes up if Mississippi State ever pulls out a win.
In the SEC, there are a few schools that dominate every year, like LSU and Alabama, the new kids on the block (we’re looking at you, Mizzou), and the teams that love to disappoint, like Kentucky and UGA. Imagine if each of these schools were a drink. Is your team your go-to drink you order at the bar, or is it the fruity drink you have to embarrassingly order for your girlfriend?
This list is in no particular order.
1. The University of Alabama: Natural Light
Alabama is easily one of (if not the) most overrated teams in the country. ESPN cannot stop talking about Nick Saban and the Tide even though they haven't played an exciting game yet. If this team were a drink, it would be a Natural Light. You see it everywhere you go, all of your redneck neighbors love it, and no matter how established the event is, some fool in a camouflage hat is going to whip one out.
2. LSU: Blue Mothertrucker
Venturing down to Baton Rouge for a Tigers game is a journey that you can never quite recover from. The erupting noise from the stadium and the overwhelming scent of corn dogs hit you like a brick wall that you never saw coming. LSU is through and through a Blue Mothertrucker. It’s got every kind of liquor that’s good by itself, but mix them all together and you’ve got a deadly drink. Playing against LSU is like that. You never know what you’re going to get, and if they catch you on an empty stomach, they’re going to turn your world upside down. Literally.
3. Tennessee: Keystone Light
Good Ole Rocky Top. Tennessee is currently trying to make a comeback, but they’ll always be 50 shades of ugly orange. It’s going to be awhile before they can earn their respect back in this conference, and until they can at least beat Ole Miss, no one is going to take them seriously. So, for now, they’ll be a Keystone Light. This is the kind of beer you wonder if people actually buy. If they do, they probably just keep it in a Styrofoam cooler because there’s no improving the horrible taste.
4. Kentucky: Evan Green and Coke
The University of Kentucky is an amateur when it comes to college football. They had an exciting game against Florida that went into triple overtime, but other than that, they are “bleeding blue” because of the beating they take from other SEC teams. If they were a drink, they would be an Evan Williams (the green kind) and coke. This is the drink you downed when you were a freshman because you didn’t know any better and couldn’t afford anything else. When Kentucky isn’t the butt of all SEC football jokes, they can upgrade from the joke of all drinks. For now, though, this is where they sit.
5. Arkansas: Cosmopolitan
Woo Pig Sooie. What does that even mean? Arkansas is another one of those mediocre teams that is given too much credit at the beginning of the season and then gets shut down during their first conference game. Much like a Cosmo, they’re weak, predictable, and only talked about on TV.
6. Florida: Kamikaze
Jorts. Engineering. Tim Tebow. These are all things that come to mind when thinking of the University of Florida. However, if you think of them in a more recent context, the words “horrible,” “horrendous,” or “embarrassing” probably come to mind. These three words are similar to the three stages that occur after you take a Kamikaze shot. At first it tastes horrible, then you act horrendously somewhere after taking the shot and making it home. Last, you watch the videos of you and your friends at Little Italy and you’re embarrassed. Poor Will Muschamp. He probably feels similarly after all of his most recent games.
7. UGA: Jack and Coke
The University of Georgia may be in the Classic City, but its football program is notorious for one thing: disappointing its fan base. Year after year, Georgia is ranked in the Top 10 at the beginning of the season, but by week 4 or 5, they drop significantly because Mark Richt can’t hold it together. They’re a perfect Jack and Coke because you always think it’s going to be different, you’re always expecting it to be better, but in the end, it tastes the same year after year. You become numb to the side effects.
8. South Carolina: Margarita
South Carolina has been a bit of a wild card in the first few weeks of the season. Texas A&M ran all over them, but then they turned around and put Todd Gurley and his Dawgs in their place. Margaritas are kind of that way too. Some Fridays you order a large and want your money back. Other Fridays you get a large and wonder where your wallet is. It’s all about where you go, who’s with you, and how nice you are to your waiter. South Carolina will remain a top team in the SEC because of the exciting games they pull out of nowhere. And hey, I guess you could say tequila makes Spurrier’s hat come off.
9. Vanderbilt: Dirty Martini
Poor Vanderbilt. Trying to decide who is worse between them and Kentucky is like asking yourself, “Burger King or McDonalds?” They both totally suck. At least Vanderbilt has given it every effort. They hired a new coach a few seasons ago and used all three of their quarterbacks in the first game. For that reason, Vanderbilt is a Dirty Martini. You hear people talk about it, know your grandmother loves them, expect them to be good, but in the end, what the CensoredCensoredCensoredCensored is it even doing here? Go back to being the most intelligent of the SEC, Vandy, and leave the football to the bigger guys.
10. Auburn: Mimosa
Auburn has done a complete 180 since 2012. They won an SEC Championship and went all the way to Pasadena. They’re hoping to go to make an appearance in the College Football Playoff, but they haven’t played a decent enough team to prove themselves. Auburn is a Mimosa because it’s classic and mother-approved. However, just like Auburn’s unreliable defense, the taste of orange juice and cheap champagne gets irritating after a while. You keep coming back to it, though, because it makes your Saturday mornings happier and won’t stain your sweater-vest.
11. Mizzou: Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri
Mizzou is the red-headed stepchild of the SEC. Everyone is still wondering how the heck they got in, and even though they showed promise at first, they’ve become another forgotten team, like Arkansas. Mizzou is the 15-year-old boy you meet on the beach while on vacation with your parents. He looks much more mature than he is and says all the right things, but in the end, he’s just an amateur because he can’t even buy you a real drink at the bar. Mizzou isn’t an alcoholic beverage because they’re not even in the same league.
12. Texas A&M: Bloody Mary
Texas A&M, like Mizzou, is new to the SEC, but unlike Mizzou, they get a lot more credit because of some quarterback they had… People thought Texas A&M’s hot streak was over once Johnny Football went to the NFL, but Kenny Hill proved everyone that two cocky quarterbacks can actually come from the same school. Texas A&M is a Bloody Mary because it’s the drink you swore tasted horrible until you gave it a chance. Once it proved itself amongst your taste buds, your Sunday mornings have never been the same.
13. Ole Miss: Gin and Tonic
Ole Miss is a classic SEC school. They’ve been around for decades and have a number of decent seasons under their belt. Their traditions and years of history behind them earn them respect in the conference, but in reality, none of the other schools really take them seriously. Just like Ole Miss, a gin and tonic is a classic drink you order at the bar to impress your new girlfriend’s parents, but her dad still doesn’t take you seriously because you’re not drinking straight scotch.
14. Mississippi State: Bud Light
When I think of Mississippi State, one word in particular comes to mind: bubba. I’m not sure why, but I can’t help but picture a bunch of overweight, middle-aged men sitting on their couch cheering on this mediocre football team guzzling some Bud Lights. Don’t forget about their cowbells either. They’re ringing those things until the sun comes up if Mississippi State ever pulls out a win.
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