Long story short...Dad is 89 and Mom is 85. Neither can take care of themselves, lots of medical issues with each. The last 3 weeks have been nothing but emergency room visits and Mom is still in the hospital. They absolutely refuse the thought of being in an assisted care facility, even though they can afford a top notch one. All four siblings are working together, only one lives in town. We are working with home health care nursing right now but they are both out of that realm because of their conditions. I know God has the whole family in the palm of his hand, but I need prayers and suggestions on what to do, because I'm running out of ideas. Thank you so much in advance !!!
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Prayers and suggestions please.
- Thread starter kingfish
- Start date
Havana Dude
Senior Member
Assisted living/ nursing home, the end. Granted, I’ve not been faced with this yet, but my Mom and I have had the talk. She refuses to go to my home or my sisters home, so unless she wants to hire 24/7 nurse home care, she will be in assisted living.
OwlRNothing
Senior Member
Kingfish, I don't have any real help for you buddy, but I just want to offer some advice on taking things into perspective. What you're facing and what they are facing is a tough row to hoe. It's never easy for anyone, parents or children and often causes stress and strife among siblings and between parents and kids. It's just not a great thing to have to deal with - but I want to encourage you and your siblings to lean on each other, and on God and just know that things won't always be this way. Life is full of ups and downs and joy and misery at times. Just try not to let the temporary frustration and pain of this situation come between you and your parents. My mother's last few weeks with us were not her best, and when she died we were not on the best of terms so to speak, even though she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me - the stress of her failing health and other things involving her house and what was about to happen ( we didn't know she would die soon) caused a rift between us. Many times now I look back and wish I'd just taken a few moments before speaking or suggesting things that upset her. It wasn't worth the strain it put on our really awesome relationship we'd had most of our lives. This may not be your situation at all, but I just thought that I'd share my story about it. Whatever happens, you and your siblings should try to always remember that what sometimes seems to matter most, may not really matter at all later on. Make sure they know you love them and that you're wanting what is best for them and make sure you take care of yourself and your needs through all of this - and that your siblings do the same. Just know that the weight of everything you're going through is just a part of life for all of you and cherish the time you have with them right now.
j_seph
Senior Member
From my perspective from having to bury my daddy, as well during the time having to put my mother into an assisted living/ memory care. When that time comes make sure that you have done everything and all that you can so that you can live with your decisions. Also, really open your eyes to the big picture in front of you. There could also be things going on that you do not even notice that much. Unfortunately was my case, even going to their house pretty much everyday for the last 3 years, you do not see these things until you are there with them continuously as I was for 2 months with my daddy on hospice. Again just make sure you have done all that y'all can possibly do. I have not seen my mom since couple weeks before Christmas. I have been judged by some for this, however I know how my mom has changed mentally. I became 2 sons, a good one and a bad one yet I am the only son. When my mom would see my as the bad one, then there was aggression. Also remember that once in an assisted living/ memory care facility even though you pay them they can also make you come get them if things happen. I went through this as well as my sweet mother literally tried to choke a nurse out with a cord. That is not my mom at all and Thank God another facility was willing to get her some help and accept her.
Meriwether Mike
Senior Member
My wife and I are in the middle of walking this path as well. My Dad is still at home and realizes his ability to manage things have slipped after a minor stroke. We have set up his bills on auto pay, I can monitor his account online to make sure nothing is being stolen. We also have to take his meds over once a week set up in a pill dispenser as he was getting them mixed up. When we asked about assisted living he will have none of it. Things got ugly real quick when I tried to take his car keys. My wife's parents are in Oklahoma so it is even more difficult. They are both having cardiac issues with stints and ablation being used to address them. Things got ugly when we suggested help to mow their 5 acres. They again would have none of it. Fortunately a lot of folks up there are stepping up to help as my wife's Dad knows everyone in town. My wife's brother also can add difficulty as he plays both sides of the fence to be the hero son. Just hang in there and realize that they still love you and you love them despite what life brings.
Sir: My wife has ALS, and, I would not wish this disease on anyone. It is awful to see the ones you love deteriorate, and there is nothing that you can do. For ALS there is no pill, shot or cure. You get ALS and after a certain period of time, you die. This time can vary quite a bit. I am 75 years old and I am a disabled veteran. Presently my wife is at home and can go basically nothing. I do everything in the house. She can ride a scooter in the house but that is is. She can still feed herself after i put the food on a plate for her. She can bathe herself after i get her on the shower chair. She can still toilet herself after I get her on the commode. That is it.
I Know, as well as she, that the time is coming when I will no longer be able to take care of her and give her the care that she needs. I have 2 very supportive daughters.
A couple of years ago, both of us joined an assisted living/skilled nursing facility, but we still remain at home. The facility provides us with a care coordinator, but no assistance at home. When the time comes, I will move my wife into the skilled nursing part of the facility. I will remain at home, but will spend all of my days at the facility with her. When my time comes, I will move into the facility as well.
Planning and facilitating this was a combined effort between me, my wife, and my 2 daughters. We were and are ALL on the same page. It is SO much easier when everyone works together to see that the best care is provided for your loved ones.
Also, I did not want something to happen and us be totally unprepared for whatever it may be. I did not want to put my daughters in a situation where they would have to get out and "hunt" for a place that would take either their mom or me should we fall, stroke out, or have some other debilitating situation that would warrant immediate action on their part. We are all planned. We love each other dearly, all 4 of us, and we planned for the future accordingly. Sometimes, trying to manage and keep your loved one at home is just not the best option, not for the caregiver and not for the loved one. Prayers for all of those that find themselves in a similar situation. The choices are hard, but can be made with love and compassion with the best of interest for all involved.
I Know, as well as she, that the time is coming when I will no longer be able to take care of her and give her the care that she needs. I have 2 very supportive daughters.
A couple of years ago, both of us joined an assisted living/skilled nursing facility, but we still remain at home. The facility provides us with a care coordinator, but no assistance at home. When the time comes, I will move my wife into the skilled nursing part of the facility. I will remain at home, but will spend all of my days at the facility with her. When my time comes, I will move into the facility as well.
Planning and facilitating this was a combined effort between me, my wife, and my 2 daughters. We were and are ALL on the same page. It is SO much easier when everyone works together to see that the best care is provided for your loved ones.
Also, I did not want something to happen and us be totally unprepared for whatever it may be. I did not want to put my daughters in a situation where they would have to get out and "hunt" for a place that would take either their mom or me should we fall, stroke out, or have some other debilitating situation that would warrant immediate action on their part. We are all planned. We love each other dearly, all 4 of us, and we planned for the future accordingly. Sometimes, trying to manage and keep your loved one at home is just not the best option, not for the caregiver and not for the loved one. Prayers for all of those that find themselves in a similar situation. The choices are hard, but can be made with love and compassion with the best of interest for all involved.
AceOfTheBase
Senior Member
Assisted living, especially if some dementia is present in either.
Patiently and lovingly repeat the message that they need this care now.
Patiently and lovingly repeat the message that they need this care now.
Havana Dude
Senior Member
You sir are living out your vows. God bless you and may he give you strength to endure. You are a year older than my dad when he died, 10 years ago. My mom is 81 now, and thankfully doing great. My sis and I will likely have some issue to deal with in the future. You sir, are a breath of fresh air.
Core Lokt
Senior Member
My prayers are with and for all of you going through these trying times.
