I seems some of our members are troubled by the driving habits of others to the point of seeking professional manswers....
Dr. Awesome:
Maybe you can help me out with this one. My manly friends insist that you must draft the car in front you while driving, especially in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Granted picking your own teeth out of your steering wheel is pretty manly it does have its downsides. Can I still be manly without tailgating?
Thanks
T,
The manswer…
The only time it is manly for your teeth to become dislodged from your face is if you've taken a left hook from Rampage Jackson. Picking your teeth out of the steering wheel, as far as Dr. Awesome is concerned, only has downsides. But you asked about tailgating, so let's talk drafting.
Though tailgating does take the reaction-speed of a gazelle fleeing certain death and definitely has a few advantages, saving on gas and what not, it is only manly if you are averaging 185mph and exclusively making left turns. Manly character includes respect for others and a cordiality that extends everywhere from the men's room to the highway. Both of those traits are violated by the act of tailgating. Simply stated, you are manlier by refraining from tailgating. You may want to question these so called "manly" friends' testosterone levels. My guess is they purchase their underwear at Victoria's Secret rather than the Fruit of the Loom section at Wal-Mart.
If these guys are promoting the selfish act of tailgating in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I'm sure they're committing several other crimes to Manity while behind the wheel. It's not just your she-man buddies, T. There are many highway hijinks going down on the roadways of America that a light needs to be shown upon. In order to rid the streets of these acts of selfish stupidity, I have created a few categories for us to examine a little more closely. If you fall into any of these, your driver's license should be stripped and you should be strapped down Clockwork Orange style and forced to watch 48 straight hours of Driving Miss Daisy.
The Bob & Weaver – This is the guy who is going way too fast and can't decide which lane is the fastest, so he speeds up to a car in one lane then recklessly changes lanes and repeats the process. I must admit, I do enjoy when they get behind a certain car and can't get over…think the opening scene of Office Space. For a while, they may float like a butterfly, but eventually will be stung. Your daily commute is not a heavy weight bout; you shouldn't be so fleet on your wheels.
The Grandma Stroller – This is just the opposite of the Bob and Weaver, but is just as dangerous in their own right, especially when they decide to hang out in the fast lane. These guys are never in a hurry. When stuck behind them, they appear to be a bobble head in drivers' seat, like their head is on a swivel checking out the scenery. They should remove their brush guards from their pickup and have a walker permanently welded on.
The Rolling Boombox – These are the guys who play their radio so loudly their whole car shakes. Going down the highway these guys are barely noticeable. Their faux pas comes into play when stopped at a red light or in a parking lot. Mrs. Awesome and I will be trying to sing along to some classic Waylon Jennings, and then these guys come bopping by and we can't even hear ourselves talk. I like music as much as the next guy, but I like my music. You keep yours in your car and I will keep mine to myself as well. Sometimes, I wish their car would vibrate their lug nuts right off.
The Seat belt Strangler – These guys are rare, the Sasquatch of the Streets, but they do exist. These are the absent-minded guys you see driving down the road with stuff hanging out of the car door. It could be anything...shopping bags, briefcase handles, infants...but usually it's just the seat belt. That is a crime in and of itself…click it or ticket Strangler!
The Eternal Blinker – Everybody knows this guy. He's the one traveling down the interstate with his left turn signal on for over 5 miles now. Annoying right? I think car makers should engineer cars such that if your blinker is left on for over 15 seconds, the car automatically turns 90 degrees in that direction. Just visualize that for a second. The resulting crashes at 70 mph would be spectacular, and people would think more about turning off their blinkers.
The Shoulder Rover – I think I despise this guy more than any other on the list. We have all suffered through the congestion of rush hour on a morning commute at some point in our lives. These guys deem themselves more important than everyone else and decide to take to the side of the road to get a head of everyone else, they're too important to wait it out like the rest of us. There should be some device installed on the shoulder of roads where if you are going over 30mph on the shoulder for over 1/2mi, spikes impale your tires. And your face.
The Two Ton Smoke Grenade – Generally speaking grenades are very manly. One exception would be when it is your vehicle exhaust pipe. Nobody likes to see a big black puff of smoke barreling down the road, like a heavy metal concerts' pyro display on wheels. I know some men don't know the inner workings of automobile engines like others, but your car should never be the metal version of Linus from Peanuts. Take it to the shop.
I hope this list helps you diagnose the drivers around you so that you may know what the appropriate response should be. If you see your friends driving in any of these manners, it may be time for a Mongolian chop.
Dr. Awesome
Dr. Awesome:
Maybe you can help me out with this one. My manly friends insist that you must draft the car in front you while driving, especially in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Granted picking your own teeth out of your steering wheel is pretty manly it does have its downsides. Can I still be manly without tailgating?
Thanks
T,
The manswer…
The only time it is manly for your teeth to become dislodged from your face is if you've taken a left hook from Rampage Jackson. Picking your teeth out of the steering wheel, as far as Dr. Awesome is concerned, only has downsides. But you asked about tailgating, so let's talk drafting.
Though tailgating does take the reaction-speed of a gazelle fleeing certain death and definitely has a few advantages, saving on gas and what not, it is only manly if you are averaging 185mph and exclusively making left turns. Manly character includes respect for others and a cordiality that extends everywhere from the men's room to the highway. Both of those traits are violated by the act of tailgating. Simply stated, you are manlier by refraining from tailgating. You may want to question these so called "manly" friends' testosterone levels. My guess is they purchase their underwear at Victoria's Secret rather than the Fruit of the Loom section at Wal-Mart.
If these guys are promoting the selfish act of tailgating in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I'm sure they're committing several other crimes to Manity while behind the wheel. It's not just your she-man buddies, T. There are many highway hijinks going down on the roadways of America that a light needs to be shown upon. In order to rid the streets of these acts of selfish stupidity, I have created a few categories for us to examine a little more closely. If you fall into any of these, your driver's license should be stripped and you should be strapped down Clockwork Orange style and forced to watch 48 straight hours of Driving Miss Daisy.
The Bob & Weaver – This is the guy who is going way too fast and can't decide which lane is the fastest, so he speeds up to a car in one lane then recklessly changes lanes and repeats the process. I must admit, I do enjoy when they get behind a certain car and can't get over…think the opening scene of Office Space. For a while, they may float like a butterfly, but eventually will be stung. Your daily commute is not a heavy weight bout; you shouldn't be so fleet on your wheels.
The Grandma Stroller – This is just the opposite of the Bob and Weaver, but is just as dangerous in their own right, especially when they decide to hang out in the fast lane. These guys are never in a hurry. When stuck behind them, they appear to be a bobble head in drivers' seat, like their head is on a swivel checking out the scenery. They should remove their brush guards from their pickup and have a walker permanently welded on.
The Rolling Boombox – These are the guys who play their radio so loudly their whole car shakes. Going down the highway these guys are barely noticeable. Their faux pas comes into play when stopped at a red light or in a parking lot. Mrs. Awesome and I will be trying to sing along to some classic Waylon Jennings, and then these guys come bopping by and we can't even hear ourselves talk. I like music as much as the next guy, but I like my music. You keep yours in your car and I will keep mine to myself as well. Sometimes, I wish their car would vibrate their lug nuts right off.
The Seat belt Strangler – These guys are rare, the Sasquatch of the Streets, but they do exist. These are the absent-minded guys you see driving down the road with stuff hanging out of the car door. It could be anything...shopping bags, briefcase handles, infants...but usually it's just the seat belt. That is a crime in and of itself…click it or ticket Strangler!
The Eternal Blinker – Everybody knows this guy. He's the one traveling down the interstate with his left turn signal on for over 5 miles now. Annoying right? I think car makers should engineer cars such that if your blinker is left on for over 15 seconds, the car automatically turns 90 degrees in that direction. Just visualize that for a second. The resulting crashes at 70 mph would be spectacular, and people would think more about turning off their blinkers.
The Shoulder Rover – I think I despise this guy more than any other on the list. We have all suffered through the congestion of rush hour on a morning commute at some point in our lives. These guys deem themselves more important than everyone else and decide to take to the side of the road to get a head of everyone else, they're too important to wait it out like the rest of us. There should be some device installed on the shoulder of roads where if you are going over 30mph on the shoulder for over 1/2mi, spikes impale your tires. And your face.
The Two Ton Smoke Grenade – Generally speaking grenades are very manly. One exception would be when it is your vehicle exhaust pipe. Nobody likes to see a big black puff of smoke barreling down the road, like a heavy metal concerts' pyro display on wheels. I know some men don't know the inner workings of automobile engines like others, but your car should never be the metal version of Linus from Peanuts. Take it to the shop.
I hope this list helps you diagnose the drivers around you so that you may know what the appropriate response should be. If you see your friends driving in any of these manners, it may be time for a Mongolian chop.
Dr. Awesome
