The OP said this will be a home defense gun/carry in the car gun/recreational shooting pistol. It's not a concealed carry gun for daily on body carry.
Therefore stay away from the really small pistols-- they have too much muzzle flip; they are louder; and with some brands of ammo they have a distractingly bright muzzle flash.
A 4" to 4.5" barreled gun would be ideal, although current trends in the market give you far more options in the 3.5 inch barrel size.
The pistol should have a large enough grip for the pinky finger to fully engage the grip frame and thus contribute to recoil control.